The train is one carriage and everyone is packed in like sardines. It is going from Nuneaton to Coventry.
As we pull away from the station, a woman bellows to the girl standing directly in front of her, around 2 inches away…
“IS THE NEXT STOP COVENTRY?”
Poor girl after shitting herself.. “Erm no, I think you have about 5 stops”
“IS THAT 5 STOPS FROM NOW? OR 5 STOPS AFTER THE NEXT ONE?”
“ I don’t know, I’m not going Coventry”
Still bellowing much to the amusement of mainly me…” HAVE YOU EVER BEEN TO THE SAINSBURYS IN COVENTRY? THE ONE IN TOWN?”
“Erm no. I’ve never been to Coventry”
“CASH CONVERTERS HAS SHUT DOWN NOW”
Poor girl, willing her station to appear.. “ Oh right”
“DID YOU EVER GO TO THE COVENTRY ONE?”
Relieved girl can now see train pulling into station..”No i’ve never been Coventry”…..
Girl gets off train. We all budge up. Woman finds a new target. A man whose life and resolve drains from his body when he realises he’s in the line of fire…..
“I’M GETTING MY NAILS AND HAIR DONE TODAY…..”
Man smiles politely and nods. However in doing so, he’s made the fatal mistake of making eye contact. This is practically an invitation to carry on…,
“I’M SEEING MY UNCLE LATER YOU SEE”
Man looks puzzled. I’m intrigued. She’s gone to a lot of trouble to meet an uncle…
I’M THINKING BLUE, WITH A BIT OF GLITTER.”
The man does not know what to say.
“COS HE WAS A BLUES FAN YOU SEE”
She then thrusts her hand in the man’s face, demonstrating she’s talking about her nails.
“MY UNCLE’s DEAD”
The man looks up sharply, the rest of the carriage goes silent and strains to hear the next instalment.
“I’M SEEING HIM IN HIS CASKET. HE’S AT MY AUNTS HOUSE IN THE LIVING ROOM”
The man does not know what to say. The woman doesn’t care. I don’t think she’s realised that he has barely acknowledged anything she’s said
“ANYWAY, HAVE YOU BEEN TO SAINSBURY’S IN COVENTRY?……
“Erm no” the man splutters
“OH. IT’S A GOOD ONE”
The train pulls into Coventry and the woman gets off. The man looks traumatised.
I get off and get to the ticket barriers. I hear a voice bellowing to the Virgin ticket guy…
” I’M SEEING MY UNCLE TODAY……”