Half term….

Some parents rejoice at the fact they get to spend a whole week off with their offspring.

Some parents rejoice at the fact they don’t have to do the dreaded school run.

I am not one of these parents.

Half term to me presents lots of “challenges” which normally arise being in the company of children.

The first thing, is trying to keep them entertained. As I have previously mentioned, I’m not a fan of other people’s kids. This means that my options are limited in deciding where to take my kids.

The idea of ” Wacky warehouse” or other similar disease ridden play barns makes me want to stick pins in my eyes. Trying to keep track of your kid whilst being surrounded by other snotty nosed screaming kids is my worst nightmare. Plus they always serve shit coffee. So that’s a no go.

There are only so many times you can go to the park. Granted it’s free, and gets you out in the “fresh air”, it is also cold and muddy. I do not “do” muddy. Those Joules wellies are to remain pristine thank you very much!

“Messy play” as per above….I do not “do” activities that involve large quantities of glitter, paint, mud or slime. My children have no “old clothes” suitable for this activity. I am the type of parent that would strap wet wipes to their kid if it wasn’t deemed weird.

“Interactive play” otherwise known as playing barbies, ponies etc. I’m all for this. Except my daughter thinks up crap storylines and will not offer any flexibility on this. So my chosen Barbie – she normally gives me the one with no head, has to go to the same party hosted by the same mermaid over and over again. I am also not allowed to change her name. Her name will forever be “Princess Diamond Moonshine” and not “Bev” as I would have preferred.

Cinema. Now I like this option. However, it is expensive, unless you go to “kids am” which is a special 10am viewing of a kids film at a reduced cost. This film is usually one that went straight to dvd.

“No Poppy, we can’t go and watch that new Disney film, we’re going to watch something you’ve never heard of, and mummy can have a cheeky nap”

Now it’s only day 2 of half term. I have had to get up earlier than I would for the school run. Instead of leaving my child at school and returning home to watch “Jeremy Kyle”, I am up watching “Teletubbies” and answering a million and one questions.

My daughter insists I watch her playing a computer game which consists of her dressing an avatar up and collecting diamonds so she can buy accessories.

“Mum which hair shall I pick?”

Me half asleep; “I don’t know. The first one?”

“No i don’t like that one. I’m picking a blue bob”

“Mum how many diamonds do I need to buy the shoes?”

“Lots. You need to save up. Or get a credit card”

My daughter is always hungrier during the holidays. Why is it that she can last until lunch time at school? At home , she has her breakfast. Five minutes later, she’s asking if it’s lunch. Every half hour or so she’s wanting a “snack”

A snack to me is a piece of fruit or a few biscuits. My daughter got through an entire family bag of Dorito’s. I probably should have supervised her but I was lying down somewhere with a cold flannel on my head and wishing it was an acceptable time for a glass of wine.

I have one more day of “babysitting” my own children, then I hand the baton over to The Husband.

Until then, Gimme strength