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Train gripes part one….

So as many of you know, I catch the train a lot. I therefore feel “qualified” to talk about the do’s and don’t’s of train travel.

In order for me to do so, I’ll give you a few pointers of what really annoys me…

1. People

Now I realise this is quite a broad subject. However, I would be quite happy to travel in an empty carriage every day. Other people are annoying full stop. They do however provide entertainment. Over the years they have provided me with some great writing material. Below are things I have actually seen, and as such, form some of the things not to do on the train…

Propose….

Yep. I have witnessed a chav style marriage proposal. It is still ingrained on my memory from around 8yrs ago.

A strong bow swilling chav chose that romantic moment to pop the question on the Leicester to Birmingham midland mainline train at rush hour.

He flipped his cap to the back, adjusted his fake Burberry scarf, stumbled onto one knee and with Sovereign in hand ( I kid you not) uttered the immortal words ” Hey bab, you fancy getting married to us or what?”

The equally pissed recipient had the sense to tell him to “F off” to which he shrugged his shoulders and fell back into his seat.

Treat the train like a bus…

I once witnessed a man stick his arm out to a train approaching the platform as if it was a bus. Please don’t do this. You look a knob and people will laugh at you.

Have a phone that has a keyboard tone…

Usually applies to the older generation. Not only do they have an annoying “tap tap” noise on the keys, but they also tend to type very slowly… it is like Chinese water torture. It also makes me want to slam the phone onto the floor and stamp on it.

Noisy eaters….

Now I cannot stand any type of food related noise. Just ask my husband. I therefore do not want to see the contents of a sandwich swishing around in some strangers mouth.

Last week I witnessed a spectacle involving a man eating a packet of crisps.

Now I probably shouldn’t say this, but he had the stereotypical “look” of a sex offender. He was hugely overweight, greasy hair, glasses and wearing a filthy t shirt which sat above his overspilling belly.

I have NEVER seen anyone devour a bag of Roysters steak crisps in the way he did. He opened the pack, stuck his pudgy hand in, and in one fell swoop, he had the entire contents in his hand. He then shovelled the lot into his mouth, ramming any stray crisps in. The crunching was unbearable, but nothing compared to what he did next.

He then licked his fat fingers and one by one shoved them into the empty packet, licking off the tiniest of crumbs that he’d managed to capture on his spit. Not content with this, he ripped over the packet and wiped the crumbs DOWN HIS ARM and licked his arm furiously.

He was totally oblivious to the fact I was sat opposite him with my mouth wide open in shock/ disgust/ ready to vom.

Use the train carriage as a bathroom…

I have lost count of the times I have seen people clip their nails on the train. I’m pretty sure no one wants to sit on a seat covered in nail clippings. It is wrong on so many levels. I have also seen people shave their legs on the train, apply face masks,pop spots and floss their teeth.

Play crap music…

This has to be my biggest bugbear. At 6.30am I do not want to be sat next to anyone listening to a tinny mix of techno garage. I also do not appreciate anyone that decides the whole of the carriage needs to listen to their shit by placing their phone on the table and blaring it out on some Argos blue tooth speakers.

It is rude. It also makes me want to inflict violence.

Spatial awareness

Why is it so hard for people to remain in their own personal space?

Just today, I was subject to an impromptu lap dance from an elderly Irish lady. I was sat squished up to the window because she decided to lift up the armrest to “spread out”

she then tried to get her ticket out of her skirt pocket.

This act involved leaning onto one bum cheek and parking the other on my lap. In a desperate attempt to retrieve it from god knows where, she basically proceeded to hump my leg.

She was totally oblivious.

I have previously had testicles in my face. A man standing over you whilst you’re sat minding your own business, is not something I wish to have in the morning. Particularly when he is also “flying low”. Yep, this has happened…..

I also do not want to have someone’s garlic breath on my neck or armpits wet with BO, held aloft over my head holding onto a pole.

Now the only time I have breached this rule myself is when I accidentally spilt coffee over a man I was sat next to.

The coffee hit his trousers. Without thinking, I have grabbed a napkin and began patting him down, trying to soak up the coffee.

In hindsight, this was probably not wise. It may have been open to all sorts of interpretations which only became apparent when he hissed ” Will you keep your hands to yourself?!”

I withdrew my services quickly and spent the 2 hr journey cringing and not daring to glance at him. Not my finest hour that’s for sure….

Gimme Strength!

Part two tomorrow