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Train gripes part 2

So, following on from yesterday. Things not to do on the train part 2….

Eating smelly food….

Now I don’t actually mind food on trains. I quite like to relax with a coffee and a muffin in the morning. However, some people take it to another level. Some people have a full on 3 course meal on the commute.

Then there are the ones that decide to eat horrendously stomach turning smelly food. The worst by far is fish.

I once sat next to a man that opened up a huge portion of sushi complete with wasabi sauce which he lovingly drizzled on top. The stench of raw salmon combined with the sweat of the train was awful.

However, there is a flip side to this. There are times when you’ve finished work and you’re starving. This is made worse by the fact someone is eating a huge McDonald’s in front of you.

I have literally sat drooling over someone else’s Big Mac. I have had so much food envy that I would have even eaten the usually discarded gherkins.

Sleeping….

Every train journey features a sleeper. Unfortunately they’re never silent.

Last week a young chap sat opposite me. Within seconds he was fast asleep. Head back, mouth wide open, and snoring loudly. In fact, he actually sounded like a hedge trimmer.

Not only does the noise make me want to punch him in the face, but I can’t stop looking at him.

Looking at a stranger whilst they’re snoring is dangerous. You know it’s not polite, and you know that you’ll look weird when they open their eyes to find you staring at them, but you can’t help it.

So I continue to stare at this chap. Mainly wondering how he hasn’t woken himself up from the noise. All the time, I’m quickly averting my eyes, playing “sleep chicken” trying to not let him catch me looking.

Mid glance, he slowly opens one eye. For Gods sake! There’s normally more notice than this! I look up, pretending that the train lights are exciting. However, I’m aware that this strangers eye is still on me.

I casually glance at him. I then realise that he is actually asleep with one eye closed and the other staring straight at me.

WHAT THE HELL???

How am I supposed to carry on this game?! It’s something else to look at, but it’s also pretty freaky and quite unnerving. How do I know he’s actually asleep and not just fucking with me?

5 minutes before we arrive at our stop. He does a splutter and wakes up. Owing to the noise he makes, he apologises.

I just stare at him. I’m dying to ask if he knows he sleeps with one eye open. Or that he sounds like a hedge trimmer. I don’t. I just make a mental note not to sit next to him again.

Talking loudly on the phone….

Why do people insist on talking so loudly on their phones whilst in a public place? Clearly these people think their lives are so exciting that they feel the need to share it with everyone else.

I have heard all sorts…from Shanice telling her “bestie” she’s on her way to visit her “bae” in prison….to Tony telling his mate he’s going to “bang the chip shop bird tonight”

I once listened to Mercedes having a two way conversation between her cheating boyfriend and his new missus Tracey via speakerphone.

It mainly consisted of ” Don’t lie yeah? I’m telling you yeah? You better not be lying yeah…”

I’m still not sure after an hour commute, Mercedes got to the bottom of whether her boyfriend was lying

* I like to adopt names for other commuters based on what they look like*

Taking children on a rush hour commute…

Ok I know children have to travel on trains. However, parents that decide the early morning or 5pm commute is a great time to go/ return back from an epic shopping trip are asking for trouble.

I don’t want to hear little Felix being encouraged to practice his spellings or songs from school at 6pm on a crowded train after work. I have enough of that shit at home when I have to feign interest.

I also don’t want to listen to an hysterical Tabitha who’s been dragged around John Lewis all day, crying for the duration of the commute because her mother decided to catch the later train so she could have a cheeky prosecco at Grand Central station.

I also do not want to listen to the theme tune of Teletubbies on repeat that is keeping little Jonny entertained. Especially since his twat of his mother clearly doesn’t realise there’s a volume button on the side.

And finally, I do not want to see little Billy having his bum changed on the train table. Because that has happened… and is apparently quite normal.

Gimme Strength