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Bake off!

So anyone that knows me, will know I’m not in the least bit competitive..mainly because I just can’t be arsed.

I’m also not creative. This together with the lack of competitiveness, presents a problem when it comes to making stuff with ( for) my daughters homework etc.

A perfect example of the above, is last years school Easter bonnet competition. I asked Poppy if she wanted to enter. She replied, “Have I got to make stuff?”

Yes I tell her.

“Then no”

Clearly she takes after me. However, the night before the competition she decided that since all her friends are making them, she should too…. ffs!

Now, I don’t happen to have any creative stuff hanging around the house. Not even card to fashion a hat.. so… I made a “hat” out of an Easter gift bag.

Yup. I made 2 holes in the bottom and shoved an hairband through it. Hey presto, Easter in a bag. It looked shit.

Fortunately my daughter was ill the following day so she didn’t have to wear the shit head attire, and be bullied for the rest of her life.

This year, I’m way ahead of the game. I have the bonnet stuff to go. I also decided to enter the cake competition.

I blame celebrity bake of… and Prosecco for this stupid idea.

I have never made a cake in my life. Or decorated one.

So I browse google for inspiration. I settle on a fondant iced bunny design, show the hubby who immediately bursts out laughing. ” Do you not think it’s a bit ambitious?!”

Mmm maybe but I’m going to give it a go…still a stupid idea.

So off to sainsburys I go and arm myself with a load of cake making stuff. I puzzle over why I can’t buy orange food colouring, before being reminded that I could mix red and yellow… doh!

So I set to work making the cake. It goes ok. Comes out the oven and it looks a little on the thin side. Hubby asks if I’m intending to cut it in half… clearly am, however I say ” No stupid, that’s one layer!”

Back to making another “layer” turns out ok. No soggy bottoms. Might be heavier than intended though…

So onto the icing. All I can say is, by the time I’d finished the kitchen looked like it had lost a fight with the food colouring. That stuff gets everywhere! My hands looked liked Shrek’s.

I make a rabbit. It resembled an evil extra from a Wallace and Gromit film. In the husbands words ” You know that’s for kids?”

I go rogue on the design and make some carrots to go on the top… which mainly covered the cracks… and also added a phallic element to the kids cake.

Phallic elements are quite rife in kids cakes. My friends mum made her son a marvel cake. It had a giant fist on top. Except it looked like a giant willy. Oh how we laughed… and applauded that mum!

Anyway, I iced a few more bits onto the cake. Again, to cover the cracks and I was done. Never again.

The finished product was dire. The husband suggested I abandon the idea. He looks mortified when i tell him he had to take it into the school.

Monday arrives. Husband is ill and cannot take the cake in. Convenient.

I lug the cake into the school hall and try and hurry out. Before doing so, another mum sets her’s down beside mine. It is identical. Except her’s is smaller and neater. And her rabbit is cute and doesn’t look like it will kill a child with its stare.

I whisper “Oh we had the same idea then?”

She just looks at me in horror. She probably thinks I was drunk when I made it.

I don’t know if we won yet. However, I will not be submitting my bake off application just yet! Never again!!