I’m currently off work with stress… I won’t go into that, but it stupidly happened a few days before half term.
Having congratulated myself that I didn’t kill both kids during that week of Hell, I thought I could use the rest of the time to recuperate. How. Wrong. I was.
Today went like this….
I awake, the hubby is working lates so I envisaged a lazy morning, catching up on much needed sleep, and maybe if I was lucky, I’d get coffee in bed.
Hubby tells me he is going into work early.
Child number 2 clambers into the bed stinking of poo and with clumps of god knows what in his hair.
I hesitantly sniff him… head, not bum. Realise he’s sporting half my Yankee candle on his head. Great.
I dump him in the bath with child number one. I go and sort some towels. I return to what I can only describe as a Tsunami in the bathroom.
Water everywhere…. and I mean everywhere. Poppy tells me she is being a mermaid. Child 2 now has half a bottle of original source on his head.
I lost my shit. I will not repeat what I said but it rhymed with duck.
I’m a bad mother I know. But it was 10am and I’d had enough.
I decide to pop to the shops. We go to my local Sainsbury’s.
Owing to the fact, they’d decided to leave both of their trolley’s outside in the rain, I was forced to take child 2 in unrestrained.
He tears around the shop, knocking everything flying. I’m trying to do a supermarket sweep style shop whilst preventing him from trashing everything else.
I fail miserably.
He tears behind the till then lies on the floor screaming his head off, refusing to budge. The shop assistant takes one look and decides it’s safer to let me behind the counter than tackle ” Damian”
I drag him out whilst holding a basket and shopping bag. Child number 2 is oblivious and asking for Red Nose Day crap.
Child one has increased the volume of screaming. I grab a bottle of Prosecco. Almost involuntary, and wonder if it would be acceptable to neck it there and then.
I try and pay. Not easy when you’re clinging on to your nearly 2yr old.
Realising that he’s fully restrained, child 2 decides to chomp on the chewing gum at the till point. Prising the cherry Airwaves out of his mouth, I place it back on display, only to realise that he has now opened 4 Cadbury creme eggs in ninja time.
Why the f do shops do this?! Why leave these treats at child eye level?!
I am now throwing eggs back on display, mumbling that other people must have opened them to find the white egg…. I am being asked for my nectar card whilst trying to pack the shopping and cling onto the devil child. Child 2 is still asking for crap and there is a queue behind me.
I burst into tears. Ffs!!! The cashier looks at me sympathetically, but really she is wanting me to take the devil child and go!
I literally leg it out the store. I wonder if it’s too early to drink.
By the time I get home, child 2 is screaming the place down wanting lunch. I quickly make it and he repays me by launching it at me then crushing dairylea into the carpet.
I decide to put him down for a nap…I decide I deserve a glass of Prosecco.
The Prosecco cork is stuck. I cannot open it. It is mocking me!!!!
Child one now wants lunch and proceeds to drop crisps over the floor. Vacuum goes on for the third time that day. I decide to use it as a foot stool as I know it’ll be used again.
Child 2 awakens. I’m forced to watch teletubbies. I curse the Prosecco. Child 2 screams for dinner before dropping his juice all over me.
Child 2 launches his dinner all over the floor.
Child 1 is trashing the play room that I’d spent hours tidying
I am rocking in a corner.
Child 2 goes bed. Thank fuck.
Child 1 puts on mismatched pj’s which do nothing for my OCD.
Hubby asks if I want dinner bringing home. Think he saw the state of me via FaceTime when I looked like crap and could barely speak. He has taken pity on me clearly.
Tomorrow is a new day….shit!