So yesterday I went to the hospital for a “CT scan with contrast”
Of course it should have just been a routine type of appointment. However, this is me we’re talking about. Nothing is ever straight forward.
So I arrive at the department early. I’m asked to go into another room and wait. I am also asked to drink a litre of water and wait an hour…
Now the reason I’m there in the first place is because I have a few kidney problems. So the idea of drinking a shed load of water and hanging around isn’t ideal.
4 cups in and I’m feeling bloated and sick. I’m also dying for the loo. I still have 58 minutes to go.
A nurse comes in and explains that they need to put some iodine in me via injection. Ok I can do that. She then adds that this is to be done via cannula. I cannot do that.
I have an innate fear of these things. When I was in labour I had one in and when the nurse had finished, there was blood all up the wall and all over me. When they went to take it out, the needle snapped. Since then, I freak out. I would rather have 10 injections than one of those hanging out my arm!
I start sweating and panicking. I’m pretty sure that the water I’ve just drank is now coming out my pores. I’m also about to wet myself.
The nurse looks at me and asks if I’m going to faint. I wince and just shake my head. She inspects my arm and tells me I have good veins. Apparently that’s a good thing. I resist saying ” It’s a good job I’m not a smack head then”
She starts inserting the needle and she’s trying to make idle chat to try and take my mind off the fact there’s a needle attached to a bit of plastic hanging out my arm. I’m feeling a little queasy. She stands back and I think she’s done so I make the mistake of looking down….
There is a needle half hanging out my arm. The nurse is looking at it shaking her head, ” I think I’ve got the wrong angle”……
“ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?!”
Turns out she was…. it was a “joke” with that she pushes the needle in and I nearly fall off the chair… and vom..,. And piss myself…
I return to the waiting room, and then a thought enters my head… I need to remove my underwired bra.. how am I going to do this with a cannula in my arm and a tight fitting top on? The thought of it catching on my top turns my stomach.
Another nurse appears and I voice my concern. She tells me she’ll help… this basically involves her cupping one of my boobs as I pull the bra strap down. Between us we do some contortionist act and “hey presto” I’m now bra less but the cannula is in.
We go into the CT room and I remove my boots. I look down, and to my horror I have odd socks on. Not even subtle odd socks. One is black striped, the other is pink and white spots.
I think back to the school run when I couldn’t find any socks so grabbed the first ones I could lay my hands on, thinking no one else will know.
I also think back to the time I was in labour and remember I was wearing some hideously embarrassing bright red socks with pandas on. This seemed 10 times more embarrassing when you have a nurse between your legs and those looking at you either side of her face.
I cringe and find myself apologising for my wardrobe malfunction. The nurse tells me it’s ok as she wears odd socks all the time. She is lying. She’s just trying to make me feel better.
She suggests I lie down on the CT bed and pull my jeans to my knees. She helpfully pops a flimsy piece of tissue paper over my nether regions ” to protect my modesty” does she not know, I’ve had 2 kids and I have no modesty left?! Besides, the tissue paper wafts off as I’m trying to wrench myself out of my skinny jeans. Thank god I had good pants on!
The nurse tells me she’s now putting the dye in my vein, and that I would feel a nice warm sensation followed by one that feels like I’ve wet myself. Is now a good time to tell her I’m actually on the verge of wetting myself?!
The dye takes effect..yep, nice warm feeling … OMG I’ve wet myself… or have I?! I actually can’t tell. I discreetly try and have a sneaky feel… it’s obviously not very discreet because the nurse reiterates it’s just a strange feeling and I’m all good.
I then go in and out the scanner. I resist the urge to “shake it all about” instead, a robot voice shouts demands to breathe in and out.
20 minutes later and i’m all done. Cannula out, bra back on, jeans back up and out I go.
I spy the toilet opposite the scanner room, which incidentally is mainly for people like myself with kidney problems, and for people that have just drank a litre of water and about to piss themselves… and it’s closed.